Tis’ the season…
To get totally annihilated, eat like a fat piece of shit and embarrass yourself in front of family you only see once a year in order to make sure they know you’re always a trainwreck. But, the most imperative part of this, is to maintain your gainz.
How can you be both trash human and #fitspo in the same breath?
Well, you’ve come to the right person. I am both.
You already know that your holiday dinner is going to be a bunch of people eating and drinking like they just escaped a deserted island – who have also been dreaming about this moment for the past 17 years while eating leaves and talking to a volleyball. So it’s time to prepare yourself now.
Rule #1 – Don’t Show Up Empty-Handed
As my mother always (incessantly) says, “Never show up to a party empty-handed.”
This is extra true in order to maintain your physical dignity, you’re gainz. You must prepare something that no one else will enjoy. Typically one of those shitty T-Nation IIFYM “dessert hacks” that is really just a bunch of fake poisonous chemical flavors, but still fits your macros. Poison doesn’t have macros. We love poison.
One of my favorite dishes is using some terrible quality protein powder that makes you shit just reading the label, then mixing it with Jiffy (or cheaper) peanut butter, raw aspartame, and 10 quarts of egg whites. Now, sprinkle some fruity pebbles or other terrible cereal on top of it. Put this into a gallon jug, microwave for 45-200 minutes, cut the top off and put serving spoons in. At the party, walk around telling everyone you brought a ‘healthy snack’.
Little do they know, they’ll have full blown gastric lymphoma by next Christmas. Suckers.
Rule #2 – Get Annihilated and Stay Shredded
Unfortunately it’s not 1994 and no one leaves out punch or bowls of juice that you can spike with GHB, or I would recommend going to the local GNC and buying some from the guy who keeps behind the counter. The good ol’ days.
So, let’s be inventive. Everyone knows Tito’s is the GHB of the 2000’s. But you start losing craving control, growth hormone production and serotonin around two Tito’s Soda and Mios (gross). So how can we get fucked up at a family party and not be too weird or lose gainz?
-Microdose of psilocybe mushrooms and two Tito’s Mios(cancer).
-Macrodose of Cannabis in any form you feel comfortable and 2 shots of tequila (supplement periodically with a bump of cocaine if your recently divorced cousin happens to have any on him).
-Cocaine, Molly, Ketamine, Xanax – Pick/blend your poison here, tread lightly as I don’t know your family that well. They may just think you’re nice and/or communicative for once.
Rule #3 – Bring Products to Sell
Fitspos, I’m talking to you! No one wants to go to a holiday party and not hear about your exogenous ketones, flavored egg white batter, animal tested makeup, cancer fueled hair products or vitamin patches.
Bring them and feed them into every conversation you can.
Grandma: I had an exciting game of gin rum…
You (interupting): Want to know what is really exciting and on the cutting edge of science? These! (holding an obscure shiny plastic packet) For only $29 a month, with a 12 month contract, you can get these delivered to you and they’ll change your life.
Grandma: Oooh I’m interested! What do they do?
You: (Pulling a key out of the bag, not paying attention) What grandma? Give me your credit card.
Grandma: Ok dear.
Just like that your having meaningful conversations with your loved ones, while ‘providing much needed value’ (you learned that slogan from Gary Vee or some shit in order to convince yourself that it’s ok to be a shark at all times) and ‘making multiple streams of income’ while spending time with family.
Rule #4 – Instagram
Without knowing you directly, I am going to give a hard assumption that you’re trying to make it on Instagram by posting #flex pictures and talking about your affiliations. I could be wrong, but you know I’m not.
So when Aunt Jessica asks, “How’s work?”
You can reply, “Well, there’s been a lot of change that I don’t understand (Instagram took the option to see activity of your ex away). I am working on hiring some new people to attract more customers (buying followers). And really just trying to impact others lives around me (posting 85% nude photos with quotes about #bodyimage and saying that you ‘don’t care’ that you have a 1/8” scar on your right calf because ‘fuck body shaming’ while you schedule followers to tell you how “brave you are for posting that!”).
If after impressing your elderly family members with technology, you see your younger cousins (who have real Instagram followers) rolling their eyes, you will need to immediately assert dominance physically. I will leave this one up to the insanely high levels of testosterone running in your blood to take care of. Try not to kill anyone.